Israel rejects ceasefire due to concerns Hamas would release hostages
The last thing it needs is those hostages blabbing to the press
Israel is understood to be rejecting a permanent ceasefire deal due to concerns that Hamas would release all of the hostages.
Israel had initially suggested a 40-day ceasefire where all hostages would be released and the IDF would then exterminate everyone in Rafah. Presumably, it knew this deal would be rejected by Hamas.
Satan himself, Anthony Blinken, flew to Cairo with a surprisingly moderate take on the situation. He joined negotiations and suggested Israel take a permanent ceasefire because the US wants to send its bombs to Taiwan now. Israel explained it still wants to go ahead with “Operation Amalek” and a ceasefire would mean the genocide was over before it got to Netanyahu’s favourite part. Plus, the hostages could be really mad and make the Israeli government look bad.
Obviously, this would be unacceptable because the war to release the hostages was never about the hostages. Regardless, if you hear one of those anti-war types demand a ceasefire, make sure you scream: “RELEASE THE HOSTAGES!” and spray their face with spit to show you’re the reasonable contributor in the exchange.
During the ceasefire negotiations, an Israeli spokesperson told Haaretz: “Israel will, under no circumstances, agree to end the war as part of a deal.”
He continued: “If the hostages were released now, they could tell the public our non-stop bombing left them terrified for their lives. We never dreamt for one second the hostages would last this long with all the destruction we caused. The plan was to blame Hamas so we had an excuse to Amalek every Gazan into oblivion. Now we don’t know what to do! If a ceasefire happens, we will have no reason to keep journalists out of Gaza and they will see that we destroyed, well, everything! They might even start counting the people we buried with bulldozers and there were quite a lot of those.”
Shortly after torturing a Palestinian doctor, Benjamin Netanyahu emerged with a bloodied bone-saw to explain that even if a ceasefire is agreed, the massacre in Rafah will go ahead. Someone tapped him on the shoulder and explained it would be better to frame it as Hamas rejected a perfectly reasonable set of demands that Israel laid out. This way the world would see Palestinians as the bloodthirsty savages and Israel as reluctant peacekeepers. Netanyahu licked the blood off his bone-saw and nodded.
Reassuringly, it’s not just the US that has contributed to ceasefire negotiations. Europe was keen to get involved, but the best it could bring to the table was, uh, the Eurovision Song Contest. Following calls for Israel to be banned from the contest like Russia, Eurovision responded by banning Palestinian flags but not Israeli flags. This is anti-racism so it should appease the young people who felt uneasy about seeing babies with half a face, especially if we remind them Israel paints rainbows on bombs.
Pleasingly, the Israeli prime minister received support from Rep. Tom Cotton who called US universities “little Gazas” which was rather ominous because all the universities in big Gaza were bombed by Israel. Cotton introduced legislation that would ban protestors from getting student debt relief, which is a tad more lenient than the approach to big Gaza.
The Hamas-run United Nations reports it will take 80 years to rebuild Gaza, but the destruction is nowhere near as bad as the damage to windows in American universities. The US government was keen to point out almost half of Americans want the university protests to be banned, and given that America is a democracy, the majority who don’t will be ignored. Therefore, Congress has taken the sensible step of banning all criticism of Israel. Members of Congress explained the $100 million they've received from AIPAC have in no way influenced this decision. Congress has also banned the public from mentioning AIPAC.
The Biden administration is confident it can win back the youth vote by banning TikTok and cracking the skulls of students who utter genocidal slogans like “Free Palestine!” Young Americans might not be allowed healthcare or affordable housing, but they can definitely have rubber bullets and tear gas. I think we can all agree this is a fair compromise x
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